August 30, 2008
Google's Cattle Call
Tuesday's Chronicle reports that an analysis by two German zoologists of more than 8,500 Google Earth satellite images from around the world suggests that cows at rest tend to orient themselves towards magnetic north.
It has long been known that some animals have magnetite particles in their brains, which act as a kind of compass. But this is the first suggestion that the phenomenon may also be true for large land mammals.
What has not long been known, but is being suggested as a result of these findings, is that this is an effort by Google to gain dominion over not just the human race, but also "over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." (Genesis 1:28)
The zoologists found that 2 out of 3 cows were oriented towards magnetic north. What the story did not say is that it is believed that 1 in 3 cows have shifted their orientation towards Mountain View, California, the location of Google's human corporate headquarters.
It is alleged that cows are being fed edible parcels of text sent from Google servers to bovine clients on ranches and feed lots throughout the known universe. These cookies are returned to the servers via the cow's grazer browser.
Whether this is intentional, or what Google plans to do with the information is unclear. Google officials did not return unplaced phone calls.
The zoologists did not comment on speculation that takeout coffee is being supplemented with magnetite particles in order to align customers towards Magnetic Starbucks. Of course, there are so many of them in all directions that an interior compass would only become disoriented.
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If I were a cow, I'd face North to keep the sun out of my eyes - all day!
Posted by: jordan cohen | Aug 30, 2008 6:44:01 PM