Reflections: From Me in an Email to a Friend in Europe

September 14, 2001

Today was another exhausting day filled with unexplained emotions....things I still don't understood, reflective thoughts, people shedding tears, and asking why over and over again. I was at the gym today at noon when the music stopped and everything fell silent. The national anthem started playing over raspy old speakers. It was eerie and I wanted to cry. The rest of the gym ignored it or at least appeared to ignore it and continued to work out as if it was another day. I was stunned by the lack of attentiveness and awareness to something so historical, so significant.

I found myself feeling angry that everyone around me was oblivious. Were they not curious what was at least being said on TV? Even if you're not patriotic, how could you not take note of the National Anthem two days after such a tragic day? Damn it, I thought.

Be gracious today. Be reflective. Look at the love and compassion we have seen in the past few days. Reflect in what we have just lost. I felt like I was the only one who stopped moving long enough to reflect, to even notice the National Anthem, to even notice....period. It was such an odd moment.

The whole damn thing is still so still and surreal, but it's just the beginning of 'something' isn't it? Last night seemed so dark. I still can't concentrate or sleep. I am just trying to make more sense of what it means for us, for the rest of the world. For the survivors, for the families and their loss?

What about homeland security? Global communication? Our ability to trust each other? Others?

Prejudices are mounting; there's an increase in racial tension in schools, people are buying guns, bomb threats are on the rise and terrorism threats are tossed around nationwide. Everyone fears that more terrorism is imminent and people are trying to guess what form, shape and sound it will take. We are struggling to understand and process the events of what just happened, and so we want to talk about it. And we glue ourselves to the television.

Logan still isn't open and many airports around the country remain closed. There's no confidence in anything right now - communication, the U.S. government, other governments, other people. People are distracted and tension and sadness looms in the air……everywhere you go. I feel so isolated – as if there’s nowhere to turn while others are focused inward and spending time with their families. While hearing my grandfather’s voice provided me with some relief, the generation gap made our frames of reference seem that much wider. Born in 1916, he has lived through numerous wars, losses, depressions and more hardships than my generation has ever known. I remember Pearl Harbor but didn’t “feel” it.

I want to call someone, reach out, touch something, touch someone and yet don’t know where to go or what to do.

When I lived in Israel, I never felt this eager, tension, fearful. We were continuously warned where not to go, what not to do and how to behave in certain areas, yet this fear is different - it's closer to home. It is home.

Will it grow stronger or dissipate? This period of 'blue' clouds all of your senses and forces you to really put things into a much deeper and broader perspective. My words are just flowing, flowing, flowing and not making sense. A stream of consciousness with nowhere to go. Pain flows through my fingers as I type. Confusion, pain, anger, empathy and compassion.

If I had to re-read this, none of would probably make any sense. So I choose not to read, not to edit, not to delete. And so my dear friend, I shall just hit send. Peace embrace us all.